What this year has taught me about self-care ....

How many times have you heard me say “you can’t pour from an empty cup” or read on one of my social media posts “the importance of looking after yourself first, or at all, in any way possible” for that matter.

I have failed to apply this advice to myself.

This is a highly personal blog that I wrote two weeks ago, and it is more for me than anyone else.  I needed to write this down so that I can start to pick up the pieces and so am publishing it to hold myself accountable. It has taken me two weeks to find the courage to post it!

If you can relate to any of this then it might help you to start picking up the pieces too.

This year, I realised that when it comes to looking after myself, I have definitely not taken my own advice, or the advice of my nearest and dearest family and friends, and I have even brushed aside the countless times that the many medical and social work professionals that I have had the pleasure to talk to and work with since January, have told me that I need to take time for me ….

That I can’t help anyone when I am living on the edge of reason, 24 hours a day!

There, I said it!

Here’s where I am …..

My life has been chaos for the last 7 months and I thought I was completely invincible!  Burn out wouldn’t happen to me, it’s for other less balanced people.  I have been there before, where stress and anxiety took over my life and I had all of the coping mechanisms

Except I wasn’t balanced. And I didn’t use these coping mechanisms at all in any way.

Although in my head, I felt I have been managing to function and be all things to everyone who needed me, I have been a train wreck!

I have avoided people - I mean, what would these people who love me, care for me and want me to take a beat, and breathe, actually know about what was going on in my mind and in my life?

I have, at times, fallen out with my nearest and dearest, because in my mind, they couldn’t possibly understand how important it was for me to do EVERYTHING and right now too - not later.

I have been impossible to live with - my husband reminded me a couple of weeks back that when I am stressed and anxious, he is stressed, because he loves me unconditionally and he can’t seem to help me, no matter how hard he tries, because I shut him out.

I have measured those who are trying their best, because they weren’t prepared to lose their mind over what was going on and needed to protect their own space, like I should have been doing for me.

And when I wasn’t doing everything, all of the time, I felt judged - this was completely in my own mind and nothing to do with other people, who were trying to tip toe around about me so I didn’t get upset and offended by anything they said or did.

I have become the most boring person in the world because all I seem to be able to talk about is medication, dementia, hospitals, social work and most recently, care homes and guilt.   

I have cancelled lunch dates, nights out, not messaged people back who genuinely care about me and are just checking in.  I even stopped going to the gym, albeit I did turn up on the rare occasion when I actually remember briefly who I actually am.

My mobile phone has been attached to me 24/7 and when I have allowed myself some time away from it, the anxiety took over and I could barely function.

I have stopped looking after myself properly.  I hardly remembered to take my supplements, I will sit on the chair and doom scroll when I would have gone out for a walk or spent time in the garden, my skincare regime is non existent, my skin on my body is dry and I am seriously dehydrated.

Some days I go all day without a drink of water and my caffeine levels are through the roof - I have had five coffees today alone!

And food, well, it’s convenience all the way! Just not what me and my body are used to!

I have driven for miles and miles, to hospitals and my family home, both full of tension and in tears with anxiety, hurt and a overwhelming grief that I never thought was possible to be worse than loosing my dear mum in February 2024.

I have continued to work when I could, and whilst it was cathartic, it was also challenging, and I have neglected a lot of the important behind the scenes, back office tasks that keep everything ticking along nicely for everyone.   And my lovely energy suffered.

On more than one occasion I have commented that if I worked for someone, instead of myself, I would have been off sick over these past months - and yet I didn’t think it would have been a good plan to allow myself that time as a self employed therapist who helps women to look after their mind, body and soul.

Go figure!

But it has to end now.  And I am writing this as a reminder to myself and others, just how important we really are, and that we deserve all the love we give so freely to others!

Life is different for our family and navigating this with grace, will take patience and calm.

And we can’t do this from a state of chaos.

My dear dad has vascular dementia.

He has probably been masking this for a period of time, however at the turn of the year, it all became too much, and things started to go downhill relatively quickly.

He has had two lengthy stays in hospital, accounting for 17 weeks of this year, and in between my brothers and I, and our wider family have attempted to care for him, whilst giving him the agency to make decisions for himself, often from afar, with the help of carers and health professionals.

A few weeks ago, along with the help and advice from his Care Manager from the Angus Health & Social Care Partnership, we made the very difficult decision to move dad to a care home in his home town.

And the guilt is real.

The care home manager, Andrew, who along with his great team, is helping dad and us navigate this and a couple of weeks ago, he kindly reminded me that they will look after dad from now on and they, along with his Care Manager, have the skills and experience to help him settle and find his rhythm with this huge change in his life, and that my job now was to become his daughter again and enjoy the time I spend with him without having to worry about being a carer.

That small and meaningful conversation finally made me realise that I couldn’t go on like this.

And it starts here.  Baby steps

Two weeks on ….

I went out with a friend for lunch on Saturday.  She picked me up, and we went to a lovely garden centre in Cairneyhill.  It was an absolute joy, we chatted about all the things we love to talk about and I didn’t talk about my dad at all, except one short conversation as we drove back into Alloa.

This was not planned, it just happened - in this moment, I knew that Fiona was starting to emerge from all the drama and emotion.

I have got a bit of a spring in my step again, and am back at the gym and I feel lighter in my whole being.  I have started working with my midlife nutrition coach again and just doing this for me is making me feel good!

I finally, after 6 years procrastinating took the final step to become a Reiki practitioner.

I went for a facial to give my skin a boost and it feels amazing!

The fire in my soul has been reignited and the energy within me and around me is starting to move. It’s such an uplifting feeling.

I am consciously doing simple things that give me joy every day.

This past week I have truly loved every minute of my work, and I know my clients have felt that shift too!  I have given them all of me and not just what was left of me, which if I am honest, was not enough 🩷

So what has this year taught me about self care?

It’s taught me that it’s absolutely essential.

I have learned from my first hand experience that when you don’t look after yourself, you loose that person, the person you really are.

And person you replace her with, the one who thinks they are invincible, will chip away at your self-esteem until you have nothing left to give.

And then your feeling of self-worth, that fades away too.

It’s taught me that sometimes you need to stop. Just stop, and let other people take the strain, the people offering, those who love you and want to protect you.

It’s been a lesson in love and relationships with family and friends - shutting people out is not the answer.

Boundaries are absolutely essential.  Protecting your energy and personal space is paramount.

Your life will suffer if you keep going in a downward spiral and you will be the last person to realise this.

I have also learned that it’s all reversible and that the journey back is different for everyone.

The most important lesson I have learned though, is that I decide.  I am in control of what happens next, and two weeks ago, when I started to write this, was when I decided that I wanted Fiona back!

For me, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and I have my trainers on and the laces are tied!

Let’s start off with some small steps …..

I am here for it.  I hope you are too 🩷

Much love Fiona x